A good portion of the day yesterday was spent writing copy for an appeal to the community to raise funds for my daughter's church program. At some point, I checked in on my reader and was made aware in a post titled, "Noah’s ark, manna and a convenient device for ignoring the inconvenient point." http://www.patheos.com/blogs/slacktivist/2013/03/17/noahs-ark-manna-and-a-convenient-device-for-ignoring-the-inconvenient-point/ (which I follow in my never-ending quest for THE TRUTH) of a church in Texas that had the unveiling, just this weekend, of a life-size replica of Noah's ark that was built for only FIVE MILLION DOLLARS. Complete with life-size animatronics, guided tours, food and rides, it certainly must be a sight to behold. I was so incensed as I continued in my deliberations to come up with just the right words for my appeal, trying desperately to find a way to touch the hearts and persuade the people in my local community to support my daughter's church, which is a small congregation of developmentally disabled adults, most of whom live in group homes and most who can only throw a couple of coins or a dollar bill into the offering each week as they subsist on state and federal programs which are being cut to the bone. As I labored, I kept obsessing on this Christian fundamentalist church in Texas that has created a Disney-like, five million dollar extension on their mega church in order to "prove" that creationism, as written of in the book of Genesis, COULD HAVE and ABSOLUTELY DID actually happen. Is that what Jesus would have done with all that money? With all the sick, hungry, and homeless currently in the world? No wonder I am so conflicted about religion!
Let me provide you a little of my religious background. I was born and baptized a Presbyterian and attended Sunday school in the same church where my parents had been married until I was about 5. Then, they suddenly seemed to abandon my religious upbringing. As I recall, I did not consider it a big deal. Kindergarten and learning to read were taking up most of my time and weekends were for my beloved books and doing homework.
During the 6th grade, when a lot of the Protestant kids in middle school were making their first communions and preparing to be confirmed in 8th grade by taking classes, a new friend, whose dad was a pastor at the local Lutheran Church in the town we currently lived in, expressed concern for my unchurched soul. I was an extremely overweight child and pre-teen with a limited number of true friends and many tormentors so it didn't hurt that the pastor's daughter was the prettiest and most popular girl in middle school and was concerned for MY soul. She was also very nice to me and didn't seem to notice how fat and ugly I was, or if she did notice, it didn't seem bother her at all, as it bothered those who were cruel and mean to me everyday because of it. She saw me for the me on the inside.
It wasn't long before I was going to church every Sunday and making my first communion and taking confirmation classes during the week. I also basked in the reflected light of my beautiful new friend's popularity while I got re-acquainted with Jesus. The high jinx of lock-ins at the church and the thrill of Camp Koinonia in the summer, fishing with the Pastor during the day, sneaking the leftover communion wine with the older class at night which they supposedly had properly disposed of earlier in the day; that was all a part of the thrill of Christian fellowship for me.
After making my confirmation, I did not attend church as often as during middle school, but I did make the effort to go every once in a while, and I did pray often as I made my way through the high school years, battling an eating disorder that had me drop a tremendous amount of weight, navigating the wonderful world of drug use, paranoia, depression and the munchies, and feeling that I had to be someone who looked and acted like my beautiful friend, the pastor's daughter, instead of my authentic self, in order to be loved and accepted by my peers. By the end of my sophomore year, I was a complete mess. I dropped out of the drug scene, never using alcohol or drugs again after I turned 16. I avoided everyone except my boyfriend, who I had met while very thin and blonde, but who was still willing to hang out with me while I let my natural hair color come back in and put on weight again. I went to school in the mornings, went to a full-time job in the afternoons and became responsible.
When I married this same boy at just 20, and I'm sure many thought it was because I was pregnant; (but it was really because his dysfunctional family had abandoned him and he had nowhere to live, but that's a story for another day!) it was at this same Lutheran Church that we were married, although my husband had been brought up Catholic and was not practicing any religion at that time. Each of our children was baptized in the Lutheran Church and when my youngest was just a baby, I was approached by the pastor of the new church I was attending with the kids in the state we had moved to, to become a Sunday School teacher. I stepped up to the plate, attended the semi-monthly Board of Christian Education meetings, and proceeded to become a teacher to the 3-4 year old souls of the church. When my husband's Catholic grandfather died, we traveled back to our home state with our 3 kids to attend the services and mourn his loss. At the next Board of Christian Education meeting, I innocently mentioned taking communion at the funeral mass. Well, the pastor almost became apoplectic, telling me I had committed a mortal sin and asking me if I was ready to repent of it. I told this pastor, who was older than my beautiful friend's father was, that I did not believe taking communion anywhere was ever a sin and I would not ask for forgiveness for doing it. He promptly removed me from my Sunday school teaching position. I left the church and never looked back. For awhile I attended a Methodist church as I felt guilty that my children were not getting a religious upbringing, but the hypocrisy I found there as that congregation turned against a young, loving, open and progressive minister who wanted to open up the church to the LGBT community, and which eventually led to his dismissal, turned me away not soon after. My kids stated they really did not want to go to church anyway, it was boring and my middle son could never sit still and behave himself. So, church went by the wayside.
As the years passed, I turned more and more to studying Eastern philosophies, continuing to read many books on the many various religious traditions around the world, finally deciding that I was probably an agnostic, with leanings toward Buddhism. I do believe that Jesus existed, and I believe that he was a true messenger, sent here by the loving, universal creator of the cosmos to teach, just as the earlier messengers of many other cultures and religions were sent before him, that LOVE is the religion we should follow, and COMPASSION and KINDNESS are where holiness and the sacred lie in each and every human being. I am not concerned about some after-life, I am concerned with the here and now.
Now, present day....my husband of 30 years has finally begun to address his alcohol and substance abuse issues and has become a Christian, a non-denominational, BORN-AGAIN Christian, which has given me a lot to think about and caused some changes in our marriage, some which have been good, some which have almost ended our marriage. But, I am not one to take away from or make light of any religion or practice of faith if it brings comfort and peace to the person following it. I believe we are all free to make up our own minds and follow our own conscience. I support him in his addressing his issues and if the religion he has chosen is helpful to him, I am happy.
My oldest son is agnostic, and my younger son has studied and, at one time, considered becoming a Jew, as he very much believes in God and feels that the Jewish religion is the one he feels most comfortable with, although he has not made any move toward converting at this time. My youngest, my daughter, about four years ago, out of nowhere, asked me if she could start attending church again to learn about Jesus. She was only about 6 years old when her formal religious training ended, and I was surprised by her request at age 18. I explained to her that she would have to attend these services on her own, without me, as I could not, in good conscience, sit through and listen to things I did not agree with. I hoped she would forget about it. But alas, she would not let up on me. I had to find her a place to learn what she needed to learn. All while nursing my dying parents and working a 40 hour a week job.
My daughter has developmental disabilities and functions academically at about an 8 or 9-year-old level and has social skills deficits and trouble relating to "normal" peers. She's always felt more comfortable out of the mainstream and interacts best with others who are a bit lower functioning than she is, as she likes to be helpful and to be compassionate with people. Her emotional intelligence is higher than most "so-called" geniuses I know who have a higher IQ, but no common sense or compassion. I've always tried to be honest with her about her limitations, while encouraging her to always do her best and to always try harder. She learned to read and do other things that I was told she might never do when she was first diagnosed as a toddler. When we go to the library, one of her favorite activities, she brings home stacks of 1st and 2nd grade readers and maybe one 3rd grade chapter book to 'try' to challenge herself, because she is so much like her mother, she loves to read!
I have to be truthful here. I really did not want to attend any Christian church again, not even with my wonderful daughter, who was so set on it. So, I went on a search and finally found this little congregation a few towns away, where I felt comfortable after several visits together with her, to sit in the parking lot reading while she is inside worshiping with a community of people who are being ministered to by a wonderful woman pastor who has a great love for this demographic group, and gears the one hour service toward their capabilities, while not taking away from the Christian message, just making it more understandable for them. My daughter is very happy there. After listening to Pastor Judy tell me recently how hard it is getting to finance the whole program; the bible study during the week, the choir practice, the movie and pizza nights she tries to hold at least once a month for this group of individuals, most of whose only socialization takes place because of these activities the church provides, which are free of charge, I decided to try to help her raise money. Not because I am a Christian, not because I'll make points to go to heaven or because the money can "prove" that anything that the bible tells us is true because we can build it to the specifications of ancient times, not for ANY reason except because it is a kind and a compassionate thing to do. I'm going to mail a copy of my local appeal to the church out in Texas that has five million dollars to spend on their Disney-like theme park of Noah's Ark and see if they can spare a little money for a small, broke church in NJ that caters to an under-served, poor population of wonderful people who love Jesus. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. Wicked, agnostic sinner with Buddhist leanings that I am.
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