Grief & Guilt

Yesterday should have been a fine day. My best friend's (since the 2nd grade) son, who is also my Godson, is expecting a child with his wife and we were going to be attending her baby shower luncheon. It should have been a really happy occasion.

Unfortunately, I awoke to the news that my friend's ex-husband, and the father of her five almost all grown kids, including my Godson, whose wife's 1st baby shower was to be held this same day, had finally succeeded at killing himself after years of substance abuse issues and untreated mental illness. God forgive me, my first thought was "the selfish bastard had to ruin her day." My second thought was, "OMG, did my wishing for his disappearing from the earth on many an occasion somehow contribute to this?"

The truth is, and my head realizes this although my heart still has trouble grasping it, I have no control over anyone else's actions, not even if I hope and wish and yes, even pray in my frustration and anger and fear for someone to disappear from the earth. I watched my best friend suffer for many years in her marriage and often counseled her to find the strength to leave. When she did finally find that strength close to 7 years ago, I was so glad. And so scared for her and her children. I sometimes secretly and sometimes not so secretly hoped and prayed for something to happen to him to end the family's repeatedly suffering his abuse, his drug-induced rages and his repeated threats to hurt himself if he could not manipulate them to do what he wanted them to do for him.

Sure, there were years when our kids were all small and we were unaware of how bad the drug use and mental illness actually were, that we went on family vacations together and he could be quite decent and quite generous with both his children and mine.  There were some good times in the past. But, you were always waiting for the good time to suddenly end with a rage, with the air in their home feeling as if it weighed against your lungs and your heart until all the air was sucked right out of the room and you had to get out of there.

Today, 24 hours or so after learning of his death and after seeing my best friend and all but two of her kids, YES, I feel guilty that maybe I didn't do enough to help him, YES, I feel so much sadness for the unresolved issues of my friend and her children, one of whom had not spoken to his father over the last two years. But, no, nothing I did or did not do caused him to finally succeed at taking his life, whether accidentally or on purpose; it was his own mental health issues which he CHOSE not to address, and his self-medicating with both illegal and with prescription drugs for many, many years that ultimately killed him.  No one is responsible for his actions but him.  I certainly hope all of his children get that and do not suffer any more. And I do wish that wherever his soul has gone, he is finally experiencing a peace he was unable to ever experience here on earth.